Yesterday was a rough, rough day.
Generally, when Cecilia doesn't want to sleep and wakes up really quickly after going down, I can get get her back down with some snuggles and back pats and shushes. If she doesn't go back down, she's still in a good mood and within an hour is ready to try again. Yesterday, not so much.
She napped for a grand total of 20 minutes three different times. Each time, she cried and cried, and nothing I did could get her to go back to sleep. So, she'd be awake, and a little while later would try napping again with the same result. Finally she gave up herself and just cried. And cried. And cried. I couldn't find anything to do that would help. I snuggled her, I danced with her, I made sure she didn't have burps or gas, I tried to nurse her again and again, I tried to play with her with toys...nothing worked. Finally, I just held her in front of me and sobbed, "I don't know what you want!" We cried together. Around 3:30 she finally wanted to nurse back to sleep, and I just held her there on my lap while she napped, too afraid to move her. She sleep nursed for two hours that way.
This is the first time I've ever really lost my cool as a mom. I know that it was bound to happen sometime, and I am thankful that I didn't do anything more than cry with my daughter. But I felt like utter crap. How could I not figure out what my baby needed? How could I not be what she needed; she's always needed me before! It seemed like yesterday I was part of the problem rather than part of the solution. I felt huge amounts of guilt at being frustrated. I know she wasn't trying to frustrate me on purpose or even testing her boundaries. That's why I got so angry at myself for losing my cool.
Ugh. Here's to hoping today is a better day. So far, she's doing the nap thing again; she went down at 6 am and is awake again now at 6:45.